go
ahead and judge me
judge
me here, today
go
ahead and judge me
judge
me for my way
go
ahead and shame and rant and criticize (so much)
we
could use a mirror
go
ahead and judge
______________________________
the
purpose of this rant is to focus on the dubious rituals surrounding death… and
“paying respects”.
chapters
include:
·
culture
·
death
& grief
·
the
viewing ritual
·
the
funeral ritual
·
the
post-party (do the math)
·
the
after-math
· judgement day
at
the outset, please go to the last page of this book (on the blog, it is located under "pages" and is entitled "Spiritual Scripting." read the Spiritual
Scripting first, to fully under-stand that which is being shared on these pages.
then, if desired, return here to begin reading about...
culture
you
can’t spell ‘culture’ without cult.
culture is a way that a certain group of people does things – usually because “that’s
the way we’ve always done things.”
in a cult-ure, asking “why?” is often frowned-upon, as the elders and/or
leaders can feel as though they are above being questioned.
when
the followers are encouraged against asking questions, they can then be told
what is right, what is wrong, and what to do (and what not to do). leaders of a cult can benefit greatly from a
rule-book or a code-of behavior document, but often rely on cult members to
keep each other in line.
the
best followers are those who monitor and suppress their own (unwanted)
behaviors. not only are well-behaved
followers compliant, but they are easy to control and direct. followers, in turn, may attempt to direct others -- especially during times of death and grief.
death
and grief
death
of a loved-one will bring grief, or a sense of missing. the irony is that the grief of missing
someone is proportional to the good times, the lessons, and the joy of knowing
s/he who has passed-away. grief, my
friends, can quite easily be felt as gratitude.
don’t believe it? practice it for
yourself.
cult-ure
leaders (especially those closest to the deceased) often have an opinion or a
set of rules and practices that surround a death. a ritualistic process might become embedded into the culture. in respect to the leaders, others tend to
follow-along with time-tested ritualistic processes.
the
viewing ritual
in
many cultures, the idea of a ‘viewing’ of the deceased is part of the grieving
ritual.
i
(personally) do not support viewings.
it’s not that i protest the viewing process, it just that i pay
my respects in a different manner. my
style of ”paying respect for the dead”
is more private, and (for me) is a more internal process. the viewing ritual (or even more strangely, the "wake") usually proceeds another ritual -- called a funeral.
the
funeral ritual
not
surprisingly, i’m not a fan of funeral rituals.
my style is more private. funeral rituals of ten involve a church ceremony, elders & ministers and 'holy' people. i've been in funeral processions that involve poll-bearers, a hearse, and even a parade of vehicles to the burial grounds.
when i
die, please cremate me. if you must have
a ceremony, make it private. maybe
spread my ashes over a favorite area or scatter them into the ocean. if you must, please celebrate my life. have a fun post-party.
the
post-funeral event (do the math)
people
who gather together after a funeral often honor the dead while eating and drinking and telling
stories about the deceased. i have given the eulogy at one-too-many funerals -- and i have attended one-too-many post-funeral events. they have (traditionally) involved excessive drinking, excessive joking, and excessive-eating.
they have been varied. some focus on grief, while others lean towards more of a celebration of life. i like to celebrate life, connection and memories.
the bereaved get to hear (and share) great stories about the beloved/deceased. if one were to do the math -- a post-funeral event can resemble a party, in many ways. like all parties (and space-time activities), the post-party must (event-u-all-y) come to an end.
the after-math
almost immediately after the
after-party, the simple math is that people have lives. they leave.
the primary bereaved is often left alone.
my role is best played during the after-math and/or during the pre-death phase: during the life of
the deceased.
i want to pay my respects to you while
you are alive.
i don’t want my respects
to be “last respects” or “final respects.”
for example: i limit my facebook friends to 111 friends, maximum.
several of my facebook friends are deceased,
but i still remember them and
i often respect them on their birthdays.
that being said, i might not make it to the viewing, the funeral, or the after-party.
judgement day
it goes without saying that there will
be those who will judge my non-attendance at viewing and/or funeral. those who strongly adhere to cultural norms
may expect me to adhere also, but it’s not my culture, and it’s not my norm. people can and will judge. people are in pain, people have stress, some people are drunk, and people are people.
judge me if you want to. if it makes you feel better to rant about me,
better me than some other scapegoat.
criticize. opine. it’s all fine. i’ll be doing the best that i can do to pay
respects – before, during and after the dying process. what i do... might not fit with your cultural
norms, and what you do might not fit with mine.
let’s focus on understanding and gratitude, if possible.
-the end.
epilogue
the death and dying process creates
distress, anxiety and an abundance of other emotions. different cultures have different rituals and
expectations of family, friends, and associates. if i do not participate in a cultural ritual,
please do not take it as a protest against, or as a slight of some kind, or as a not-caring
attitude.
i simply deal with death in my own way:
quietly. solitary (if possible). contemplative. grateful.
-the beginning.
___________________________________
[i] martino, j. (11.23-1.2024). go
ahead and judge. book 121: opportunity (on deck). © 2024
by j. martino.
