i woke up [i]
by t. rapped
alternative title: true story
it was my wedding day, and i was having doubts.
i went for a walk, amid thoughts of divorce. loss. failure.
i thought about the little things: dual insurance (double [potential] loss). her medical bills. potential car accidents. implant issues. her borderline personality. potential arguments. all of the potential things that could ever go wrong.
on the walk, i met an insurance salesman. i poured my heart out, and said i was scared-to-death. i verbalized all of my fears, and i could see it in his eyes: “what in the world made you propose?”
without him responding in words, i made a plan. i wouldn’t sign the marriage license.
back at the house, everyone on my side of the family was gathered. they could sense my anxiety. those who had experienced wedding days knew what i was going through. i had an aura of “i don’t want to go through with this.”
all the while, my mind was racing with thoughts of the repercussions (and the broken heart) if i didn’t go through with it. i was completely torn, and the clock was ticking. in my mind, the signing of the documents would occur after the wedding, and (maybe) i could get sick (or something) and not sign.
but the documents were there, ready for signature, in the living room, and they wanted me to sign now, prior to the bride’s arrival! i saw the spot (with my spelled name, and the line for my signature).
i left the room, and was met outside by a few brothers/friends who knew better than to advise, at this point. everyone was dressed-up. i poured my heart out, and explained all of my fears. they all knew that i didn’t want to go through with it.
back in the living room, a short, stocky, bossy woman with short hair looked at me with a furled brow. she said something inaudible, and approached me (to walk me to the signing-papers… in front of everyone!). she was loud, and everyone was watching.
i walked toward the signing table, not really knowing what i was going to do. was i going to let everyone down? was i going to break the heart of my beloved? hundreds of conflicting thoughts and feelings were simultaneously battling, inside of my head.
by t. rapped
alternative title: true story
it was my wedding day, and i was having doubts.
i went for a walk, amid thoughts of divorce. loss. failure.
i thought about the little things: dual insurance (double [potential] loss). her medical bills. potential car accidents. implant issues. her borderline personality. potential arguments. all of the potential things that could ever go wrong.
on the walk, i met an insurance salesman. i poured my heart out, and said i was scared-to-death. i verbalized all of my fears, and i could see it in his eyes: “what in the world made you propose?”
without him responding in words, i made a plan. i wouldn’t sign the marriage license.
back at the house, everyone on my side of the family was gathered. they could sense my anxiety. those who had experienced wedding days knew what i was going through. i had an aura of “i don’t want to go through with this.”
simultaneously, i was in Love.
all the while, my mind was racing with thoughts of the repercussions (and the broken heart) if i didn’t go through with it. i was completely torn, and the clock was ticking. in my mind, the signing of the documents would occur after the wedding, and (maybe) i could get sick (or something) and not sign.
but the documents were there, ready for signature, in the living room, and they wanted me to sign now, prior to the bride’s arrival! i saw the spot (with my spelled name, and the line for my signature).
i left the room, and was met outside by a few brothers/friends who knew better than to advise, at this point. everyone was dressed-up. i poured my heart out, and explained all of my fears. they all knew that i didn’t want to go through with it.
back in the living room, a short, stocky, bossy woman with short hair looked at me with a furled brow. she said something inaudible, and approached me (to walk me to the signing-papers… in front of everyone!). she was loud, and everyone was watching.
i walked toward the signing table, not really knowing what i was going to do. was i going to let everyone down? was i going to break the heart of my beloved? hundreds of conflicting thoughts and feelings were simultaneously battling, inside of my head.
“you’ve got to do it!
---------------
don’t!”
little miss bossy was shouting something about signing, and i extended my arm, flat-hand... a few inches in front of her big, fat mouth, shutting-her-up. i said “shut-up. i’m a big boy. i’ll do what i want to do!”
then…
i woke up.
_______________________________· i cannot remember ever feeling better, waking from a nightmare.
[i] martino, j. (4.5-1.2023). i woke up. book 114: untitled. © 2023 by joal martino.
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